Healed by the Moment

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I was drenched in love today: exhilarating love.  Looks and hugs and kisses I want to keep forever within me.  My deepest pain, my dark spot was polished and shining.  I watched them as they play and dance with freedom.  I was happy yet envious of their closeness to  freedom: the freedom I covet daily.  The freedom I long to hold so close to my heart- freedom of being me.

It was a reminder of how much I missed being with them, while they are with me – a relic of beautiful moment buried deep in my soul.  I had to search within me to remember.  A shameful reminder of my responsibility of fatherhood.

Too focused with their and my studies, too focused in ‘being successful’, I had started to repeat a saga I abandoned on purpose.  A saga of fatherless child, who begrudged his neighbors’ family…

But today, at the park I was healed by a moment I will cherish forever… I saw in their eyes how much they have missed me.  I felt deep in my soul how much I miss them.  I felt my love to them – a love I can never feel for anyone else.   I realized although we live together, we see each other daily, moments like this are precious, unique and irreplaceable.

My ‘parent moment’…

 

Last night when my daughter said she was about to lose to of her bottom teeth, I didn’t believe her.  She told me that many times before.  Ever since she saw a program about tooth fairy on PBS kids show, she couldn’t wait to loose her tooth so she can get money from tooth fairy.   She told me about my wife’s baby cousin who just lost her tooth and got money from the tooth fairy.  I asked her if the tooth fairy left her $1.00 she didn’t know, but she wishes she would get a dollar.  I said, I’m sure she will…

I am happy for her because she is excited.  I am excited because my baby is growing, but deep down, I am worried.  I can’t explain why I am so worried, but I am.  This year she started kindergarten; I was so psyched.  I was happy to see her in her uniform.  She said, “hurray I’m going to real school”, but after the first day of school, it was one of my toughest morning trying to get her up early… all that excitement, vanished.  It is funny how tired she is when she comes back.  It is not hard to put her to bed at night anymore, it is harder to wake her up and take her out of car so she can eat her dinner. 

 

Every year there are moments that cause my face to radiate with joy: when one of my daughters says or does something unexpected.  When my daughter started to tell me what vertebrae and in vertebrae animals were for example.  I said wow… I tried to fool her and said butterfly is called ‘not vertebrae’… she laughed and said daddy “it is called in vertebrae, don’t let anyone here you say that.” She cracked me up.   I call them parents’ moments.  Every time they happen, I feel more and more like a rookie dad.  I guess I will be a rookie at every stage for every milestone.  I asked them what life meant, just because I wanted them to talk, my youngest one (she is 3) said life … means family! She made her mom’s day.